Question 1:
Dear Pastor's Wife,
We're having a lot of friction in our household as I want to attend church regularly and my husband does not want to. He won't budge from the sofa and says it's his only day to relax. What can I do?
--Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
It is very normal to experience frustration when people do not behave in the way we would like them to and desiring your spouse/soul-mate to accompany you on your spiritual journey is admirable. However, we often forget that God, Himself, grants every one of His children free will, so who are we to do any differently? In I Peter 3:1-2 we are told to defer to our husbands so that if they are not a believer yet, they might be won over (….and I really like this part….) ”without talk” by our behavior when they see how pure and patient we are. In other words, it is not our job to get our husbands to church, it is our job to be loving and patient and serving and honest and kind and generous and respectful and…and…and…well, you get the idea! We must be like JESUS to them, without “preaching” at them. Oh, they will notice if we are like this and they will most likely consider all this loving behavior a temporary tactic to try to get our way with them. It may take weeks or months or years for it to sink in that your respect and love for them is NOT to get anything in return. My suggestion is to: 1) PRAY daily that God would change your husband’s heart, 2) PRAY daily that God would keep your heart humble and respectful and fun toward your husband, and 3) kindly invite him to join you every Sunday and then attend on your own, thanking Jesus that one day you WILL have you husband by your side in worship! I wish I could give you a guarantee that this will change your husband’s behavior. I can’t. I CAN guarantee that if you follow this advice from scripture, YOUR heart will be changed….and for the better!
From someone who is still working on applying this scripture, as well!
The Pastor’s Wife
Question 2:
Dear Pastor's Wife,
My fiance and I are looking to get married in the not too far distant future. We are having difficulty choosing an official to perform the ceremony. What would be some good questions to ask the official to help us better get an understanding of their personality, and the way they perform their ceremony to help us in our decision?
--Guidance Seeker
Dear Guidance Seeker,
Congratulations on your decision to become life partners! Marriage, like parenting, is one of the most difficult yet most rewarding life-long commitments anyone can possibly make. The fact that you are having difficulty choosing an official for your ceremony indicates that maybe neither one of you has yet found a church body or family of faith to connect with. If this is the case, it might be more wise to ask yourselves a couple of questions before interviewing for an official. Is there a reason you wish to have a religious ceremony versus a civil ceremony? Is it just because you had always dreamed of a “church” wedding or is it deeper than that? If spiritual truth and a relationship with God are important to you, I have suggestions to help you find an official that will not only be a help on that one single day of the ceremony but will also provide the needed spiritual and emotional support, counsel and aid that your marriage will need in the many days to come.
Whether Captains on ships, Rabbis in synagogues, Judges in courtrooms, weddings have always been officiated by those who have both authority and responsibility over the couple. They were assumed to be the couple’s teacher, protector, advisor and help. While people who get married in the “Chapel of Love” in Vegas, or elope in Tijuana might still end up with lasting marriages, it only makes sense to get all the help available to ensure the best future for your life together? In Proverbs 15:22 God tells us that, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” Here are just a few steps and a list of questions to help you find the best person to officiate your wonderful wedding! . Jesus , while embracing the spirit of his own religion and race (especially its faithfulness to the truth of there being only one true God), harshly rebuked what it had become. Judaism had morphed, as all “religions” (including Christianity) eventually do, into a hierarchy of power-mongering people clawing to keep themselves over and above others. The entire 23rd Chapter of Matthew records Jesus’ words concerning the leaders of the Jews. Jesus brought something better than the Hebrew commandments, He brought the ability to actually live them fully and freely, through His Spirit of love and power. If everyone became free in God’s love, then the religious leaders risked losing their place on the ladder of prestige. Therefore, Jesus’ own Jewish leaders had him killed. We follow Jesus’ example by choosing to pursue the “relationship” with God that Judaism aspired to rather than simply follow a “religion.”
Step One: Consider personal connections. Is there a pastor who already knows your family or that of your future spouse? That way you could ask people who know you if they think this official would be a good fit for your wedding. You just might find a candidate this way so that you do not have to begin from scratch. Either way, you should still move through the remaining steps and questions.
Step Two: Check the statements of faith held by the official’s church or denomination. These can usually be provided in pamphlet form by the official’s office staff. Do their beliefs match yours, at least in the BIG things?
Step Three: Set up a meeting with the person. Have your list of questions written out with room at the side for you to jot down notes after each one. Here is a sample list that you could revamp to make your own!
1. Are these dates open on your calendar? (Rehearsal/Ceremony/Marriage-Prep Meetings)
2. What do you charge?
3. Do you require/recommend pre-marital counseling sessions? If so, how many and when? What topics do you cover? Is there a “Mentor-couple” program we can take advantage of? What about Marriage-Enrichment groups for afterward?
4. Would you anticipate any difficulties associated with the venue we have chosen?
5. Do you prefer a more formal/elegant/serious atmosphere for the ceremony or are you more comfortable with a casual/fun-loving/party-type atmosphere?
6. Could you describe (and could we have a copy of) what your normal marriage ceremony entails? Do you plan on telling any jokes from the platform or are you going to be delivering any sermons? If so, what are they going to be about?
7. How flexible are you or are you allowed to be by your church? Would you be open to us doing this? ______________(fill in with your own preferences)_______ How late is “too late” to make changes in the ceremony?
8. If we run into problems in the future, how much of your time could we expect to receive for counsel and help? 1-2 hours? 4-6 meetings? However long needed? Would there be a charge?
9. Do you have contacts in the professional counseling community that you could refer us to if needed in the future? Do you know what they charge? Do you have Young Couples Groups or Marriage-Enrichment Groups you could refer us to in the future?
10. Give us your definition of a “marriage” and describe what you consider are the most important aspects of it.
Add any other questions you feel you need to, in order to tell whether this person will not only make your wedding “DAY” wonderful, but will be a tool God can use to help your entire married life, including future “family,” rock-solid committed, joyous and loving!
While finding the right “personality” for your one hour ceremony was all you were referring to in your request, I hope you can see that you have the opportunity to add a HUGE asset to your entire married life through this one little decision about who to have officiate your wedding. Whether you take advantage of it or not, is your decision. Let me end by saying that there is only thing I regret about my wedding…and I regret it deeply…and that is not having had any preparation or pre-marital counseling sessions. My husband and I could have saved ourselves YEARS if not decades of unneeded pain and misunderstandings if we would have been mentored or helped in this way BEFORE we got married. So, don’t ignore question #3. Once again, CONGRATULATIONS! And I will be praying for you with JOY, Guidance Seeker!
The Pastor’s Wife
Question 3:
My question is how do you, or Christians, know that Christianity is the "right" religion? I've been looking at other religions and realize many have their own version of the Bible, i.e. the Koran or The Book of Mormon. Where is the proof that the Bible is the truth if many other books state that their word is the right source? I'm curious. Thank you.
Sincerely,
--Just Wondering
Dear Just Wondering,
Welcome! You join the myriad of souls down through the ages who have wrestled with the same question. How can we know for certain what the truth is about our existence? Just the fact that there are “religions” attests to the knowledge imbedded in all human beings that there is a need to connect somehow with the unseen, higher reality that lies beyond time, space, matter or energy. The fact that you do not question the existence of God shows that you have either done your research already or you have come to trust your gut instinct. The science of mathematical probability has already proven beyond question the existence of a “designer” behind all observable life.
So, does it just depend on whether you happen to be born into a Muslim or Buddhist or Mormon or Voodoo or Atheist or Christian home that determines which religion, if any, you are taught and should follow? Do they truly all lead to the same place? That seems to be the fashionable way of thinking today because this doesn’t require any commitment or sacrifice from anyone. In essence, people would rather think it doesn’t matter so they can do whatever they want without consequence. You, however, are very courageous to continue seeking what is truth because in the end it might require not only an adjustment of your beliefs, but of your entire life.
I will attempt to explain in just a few sentences the “proof” that has persuaded me to believe the Bible and follow Jesus Christ, but realize that it only makes sense for YOU to ask God, Himself, to reveal to you what is true. This is called prayer. And just like any parent, God desires for His children to talk to Him, share with Him, laugh with Him, cry with Him, “connect” with Him, listen to Him, create with Him, love with Him. We were created to love and be loved….a relationship with our Creator. Yet, love requires passion, commitment and, at times, the greatest sacrifice. The love of God for us has been shown to us fully in Jesus.
You asked about books. The Q’ran (Koran), the Book of Mormon, the Torah, the Writings of Confucious or of the Buddha are all examples of books of doctrine written down by one single man. Now there are bits of truth in each, enough to keep people interested, but they are not even in the same league as the Holy Bible. The Bible was written by over 40 different people over a span of 1500 years, yet all relating the same theme and message, perfectly complimenting each other in their revealing of the character and purpose of God. There are scientific and historical references, as well as fulfilled prophecies that are mind-boggling in their accuracy.
The clincher for me, however, was pure logic. There is more secular verification of the existence of Jesus than there is of, say, Abraham Lincoln. Through prayer and study God revealed to me exactly who Jesus was and what He did on the cross. British intellectual, C. S. Lewis, put it this way. Either Jesus was a liar (because He claimed to be God)…or he was a lunatic (with the same reality-check as someone claiming to be a poached egg)…or he was Lord (God in human form, dying on the cross out of love for us). He cannot, as Buddhism or Islam would like to label him, be a “good” man or even a “good” teacher. He is either who He said He was or else He was an insane con-man. I choose to believe that what Jesus says is truth. Now I have conversations, two-way, every day with Him. In short, the Bible teaches me to not follow a religion, but to seek a relationship. Yet, I must identify myself as “Christian” to the world.
The facts point to the Bible and Jesus being trustworthy, worthy of putting your faith in. Faith is acting as if something were true, even if you cannot see it with your eyes yet. At some point in your questioning, you will have to choose to make a commitment of faith or not. Hebrews 11:6 states, “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.” If He were to reveal Himself to us in all his glory, we would be “forced” to believe. God wants us to “freely” come to Him. People, much smarter than I am, have written entire libraries on these subjects so I do not claim to be able to satisfy you with my little column. If I sense the sincerity of your question correctly, however, you do seek a way to have a loving relationship with the one true God rather than just choose a religion. Matthew 7:7 records Jesus’ words to YOU, my friend….”Seek and ye shall find!”
“Blessing on your journey, “Just Wondering!”
The Pastor’s Wife
P.S. Here is the address of a tiny site that might help you in your research….. www.bibletruths.org/salvation/wordgod.html
Question 4:
Dear Pastors Wife:
What is your advice per Bible about cremation for Christians?
-- Concerned
Dear Concerned,
“Earth to earth, dust to dust, ashes to ashes,” while not specifically quoted this way in scripture, is still the truth God repeatedly tries to teach us in the Bible about our physical bodies. Our eternal souls inhabit bodies made of “dirt” (compounds and minerals) while dwelling in this dimension of time and space, matter and energy. In Genesis 3:19 God tells Adam, “dust you are and to dust you will return.” When we die, however, we leave this earthly dimension and our physical body, behind. Faith assures us that the same God who created us in the first place can quite easily fashion us a new body for our eternal life with Him after we die, whether we be cremated, buried or lost at sea. Nothing is going to hamper the resurrection. “But your dead will live; their bodies will rise….the earth will give birth to her dead” is what God promises us in Isaiah 26:19. The bottom line is that it doesn’t matter what happens to our bodies after we die. This being said, you must have had some pause when considering the subject or else you would not have become “concerned.” Are there loved ones whose feelings and beliefs need to be considered in this situation? If so, then it DOES make a difference what we do with our physical body after we die because it becomes a matter of loving others, honoring and respecting them. Here are just a few thoughts, truths and traditions surrounding the subject that might help you understand the feelings of those around you. While there is no “right” or “wrong” concerning cremation delineated in the Bible, loving and respecting others is ALWAYS commanded. Burial was one way for Jews, first, then Christians, to declare themselves different from those around them who worshiped pagan gods and demon idols. The Greeks, Romans and Hindus all cremated (often adding live spouses, servants, children tied to the pyre!) while the Egyptians mummified. The Canaanites burned their firstborn children as required offerings to the demon Molech. Some cultures placed absolute no worth on human life, while others placed too much emphasis on the physical. Burial seemed the best way to witness to the world both the respect of each created individual, while admitting that the body was just a “house” or “tent” of the soul. As centuries marched on, burial (protecting the deceased’s body from mutilation) became a way to honor the uniqueness of each created human being, remembering the honor the human body was given when Jesus chose to indwell one, honoring the fact that the body of each believer became a hallowed temple of the Holy Spirit of God at conversion and a confession of belief in the promise of a glorified body at the resurrection.
At the time, fire also had the connotation of God’s wrath and judgment tied to it. Ashes were used in mourning and repentance. Christians, no longer under judgment because of Christ’s work on the cross, wished to celebrate this good news by distancing themselves from the idea of ashes while also proclaiming the anticipation of being accepted, just as they were, into God’s presence and blissful glory. With Jesus’ own burial and resurrection as their supreme example, there was a time when anything but a “proper, Christian BURIAL” was considered heathen and evil, to the point of believing the DECEASED WOULD BE CURSED! (While there have always been legalistic extremes in every belief system which dehumanize and ultimately disrespect the moving and work of the Holy Spirit within the spirit of man, we need to be careful that we do not throw out the truth along with the legalism. I hope you know what I am saying.) Martyrs who had been burned at the stake, of course, were given special allowance. J
Both Jewish and Christian burial grounds are themselves called cemeteries, the literal meaning of which is, “sleeping places.” It may be that some around you still hold to the belief that burial is the “best” way to declare a person is prepared and looking forward to Christ’s return and their own resurrection. If so, then burial IS the best thing to do. Many in today’s American culture have forgotten or never been taught these traditions and so it is more popular to have one’s ashes scattered to the wind or over a beloved place as a memorial. There is nothing Biblically wrong with this. Some family members, however, will be at a loss of where to go to honor or remember a loved one without a grave or headstone. Unless there are mitigating circumstances, i.e. expenses can only cover cremation, land use limits, strong desires of the deceased, etc., you should plan on doing whatever is most loving and respectful for both the deceased and those left behind. This could be either burial or cremation. ‘Sorry that I couldn’t be more help but sometimes there is no “right” answer, except to do the loving thing and that means you will have to search your heart and pray, conversing with Jesus, yourself, about the decision. Oh yeah, and need I remind you that whatever you decide, you are not going to be able to please everyone? That’s right. I didn’t think so! J
‘Hoping I have helped ease some of your “concerns,”
The Pastor's Wife
Question 5:
Dear Pastors Wife:
What is Gods word about cremation?
Dear Cremation Questioner,
While there are no specific commandments in God’s Word concerning cremation, the prevailing preference of Christians to be “buried” stems from Christ’s words about judgment and hell being like “fire” (Matthew 5:22) and His reference to letting “the dead bury the dead” in Luke 9:60. It has been pointed out that maybe Christians should only wear sandals then, since Christ spoke of only that kind of footwear, inferring that the preference for burial was merely a cultural issue at that time. Your same question was posed to me by another e-mailer just a few days ago and I went into detail about the meanings people have put into how they care for their dead. Simply click on the “archive” section that has the subject of “cremation” in the description. The bottom line is that you need to do what is most loving and respectful to the wishes of the deceased AND to the desires of those left behind. What would bring them closer to a loving relationship with Jesus? Whether scattered ashes or fully dressed waiting for the resurrection, we needn’t worry because God is more than able to create for each one a resurrected body. God looks at your heart and if you are professing your faith and trust in Him, either through your stated preference or through your loving submission to another’s preference, He will be pleased. Bodies are just shells…”jars of clay.” They are not worth a family argument over. However, be gracious as emotions run high and may not be very rational when dealing with a loved one’s death. Once again, check out the previous question/answer on the same subject.
I am praying right now for peace as you make your decision, cremation questioner.
The Pastor's Wife
Question 6:
Dear Pastor's Wife,
My husband and I have a question that we keep wondering about. We know Jesus is a Jew so why are we not following the Jewish beliefs?
Thanks, Wondering
--Anonymous
Dear Anonymous and Wondering,
What a perfect time of year for your question because the annual date for Easter is completely dependent upon the start of the Jewish Feast of Passover. Why? Because Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross was the historical reality to which this Jewish feast points to, ever since the first Passover lamb was slain in Egypt during Moses’ time! Therefore they are tied together, forever, the Jewish prophecy and the Christian fulfillment. True Christians should honor and respect Judaism as one would honor and respect an ancient caring nursemaid or grandfather or faithful family historian. They have protected and cared for the truth of God down through the centuries, sometimes at horrific cost. Many Christians even celebrate Jewish festivals and customs, using them to teach how all truth ultimately points to the promise of God’s salvation through Messiah, Y’shua, Jesus! However, Christians do not normally practice Judaism and there are several reasons why.
1. Jesus , while embracing the spirit of his own religion and race (especially its faithfulness to the truth of there being only one true God), harshly rebuked what it had become. Judaism had morphed, as all “religions” (including Christianity) eventually do, into a hierarchy of power-mongering people clawing to keep themselves over and above others. The entire 23rd Chapter of Matthew records Jesus’ words concerning the leaders of the Jews. Jesus brought something better than the Hebrew commandments, He brought the ability to actually live them fully and freely, through His Spirit of love and power. If everyone became free in God’s love, then the religious leaders risked losing their place on the ladder of prestige. Therefore, Jesus’ own Jewish leaders had him killed. We follow Jesus’ example by choosing to pursue the “relationship” with God that Judaism aspired to rather than simply follow a “religion.”
2. It (practicing Judaism) is no longer needed. Jesus’ sacrifice did away with all religions. Jesus fulfilled all the requirements of Jewish purity for us, since He knew none of us were perfect enough to keep all the laws ourselves. He was the one and only perfect Jew and now it is our relationship with Him that enables us to come to God, not our own righteousness. In Hebrews (8:6 & 13) we read, “But the ministry Jesus has received is as superior to theirs (the Jewish priests) as the covenant of which he is mediator is superior to the old one, and it is founded on better promises….he has made the first (Jewish) covenant obsolete.”
3. It is an unnecessary burden. When the same question you asked came up among the 1st Century believers, some thought every Christian would have to first become a Jew (shown by means of circumcision and adhering to other laws) before they could follow Christ. There was a huge discussion about this and the outcome is recorded in Acts (15:27). “It seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to us not to burden you with anything (Jewish) beyond the following requirements…” which could be summed up by clean eating and sexual purity. Our time and energy can be spent on loving and serving God and people much easier when we are not forced to focus on adhering to hundreds of Jewish laws.
The best analogies I can make are these. The Jewish Laws are similar to the rules given to a toddler, i.e. “ABSOLUTELY NO TOUCHING THE STOVE EVER!!!” while Christianity assumes that with the risen Christ’s help, we are more like teen-agers and can handle more freedom, i.e. “BE CAREFUL!!! YOU KNOW WHAT THE STOVE IS CAPABLE OF, BOTH FOR GOOD AND BAD!!! NOW, ENJOY THE STOVE!!!!” Or you could say that Judaism represents the years of letters and telegrams promising your son would come home from war, while Christianity is the actual homecoming! Why spend time embracing the telegram stating that he was on his way home when now he is actually THERE, RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, waiting for your hug! Judaism is not “evil.” It is simply incomplete without Jesus.
I hope this is helpful! Oh, and “THANK YOU, ANONYMOUS AND WONDERING,” for caring enough to ask!
The Pastor’s Wife
Question 7:
Dear Pastor's Wife,
Helloooo over there. Our dear Debbie, we hope this doesn't take you away from your "pride" at the church. I thought this was a neat way to reach you. We need your wildly appreciated advice. Our 22-year-old son who is engaged to marry in Sept, just returned from 4 months of training in Georgia to become a Customs Border Protection agent. Long story short, his fiance has informed us he's had an affair with an older woman from his class during his stay in Georgia. His fiance wants to make it work out for them. He won't face or talk to us yet. We keep trying to reach out to him via email(because he won't answer his cell phone), but to no avail. Do we sit(handcuffed to a chair to keep my wife from going to see him) on our hands and wait for him to come to us, or do we go up there to him? C. is freaking out...imagine that.
Thank you, thank you, thank you and p.s. tell the tall one "hi" for us. M&C
Dear M&C,
We sure do miss you guys! We were both happy and saddened hearing about your son…happy for his engagement, but sad about his choice to not remain faithful or sexually pure. How heartbreaking. My advice is to give him his space right now. By all means, continue praying, constantly, against strongholds the destroyer has now set up in his mind and life. However, unless there is some indication that he is in danger of taking his own life or the lives of others, you should not intervene. Unless he asks for it, your advice is most likely not welcome at this time. While I realize that it feels as if you are doing nothing, now is the time to test your own faith. Do you really believe that prayer changes things?
Pray hard because your son has to decide if he is willing to grow up, be a man, face his failure, turn to Jesus for forgiveness, and let the Holy Spirit make him a stronger servant of the Most High God, able to be an honorable husband. Pray hard because the deceiver would have him crippled by lies. One lie is that his affair is no big deal, that everyone does it and that he should try to go on with his life like nothing happened. The lie continues that if his relationship with God causes him to feel guilty then he should just quit God. Sadly, this lie will likely lead to blaming others for all of his problems, faulting his fiancée for a horrible marriage, seeking out more illicit liaisons to try to satisfy his hollowness inside. The opposite lie is that his sin is so horrible that he can no longer even hope to be close to God again. This lie leads to a belief that he does not deserve anything good; therefore, he will sabotage all possibilities of success in his life, including the rebuilding of the relationship with his fiancée or family. Pray hard. God is all powerful, but he leaves us our free will. Pray your son rejects both lies and chooses to let God redeem the situation through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross.
I am curious. Does the affair with this older lady mean that he desires to marry her instead? Again, it may only have been a physical temptation. Either way, it definitely shows that he is not mature enough to be faithful to a wife or family yet. Don’t let the fact that his fiancée is willing to forgive and forget in order to keep the wedding on schedule fool you. There are MAJOR cracks in the foundation of trust in this relationship that need to be investigated and repaired before any wedding can take place. I suggest you help your son’s fiancée prepare for this embarrassing but needed consequence. Otherwise, I fear they are in for much more heartbreak and counseling later. Whatever they decide, Jesus’ love is their only hope!
The bottom line is this: If you ever get to squeak a message through cell phone, or e-mail or even via the grapevine to your son…let it be of your unwavering love for him and that you are praying for him. Then, live out what you say. I am certain he will be speaking to you again soon, then you can help point him to truth…but only if he asks! J
Hurting for you, yet hopeful!
The Pastor’s Wife
Question 8:
Dear Pastor's Wife,
My friend bought a house with her boyfriend, who helped pay most of the costs, and she is now being convicted that living together without being married is a sin. She doesn't want to get married just so they can sleep together, but she also doesn't feel right kicking her boyfriend out until/or if they get married since he paid most of the initial costs. She wants to know if being "committed" to one person is the same as being married in God's eyes and why does she need the piece of paper to prove her devotion. Can you help?
Blondie's Brain
Dear Blondie's Brain,
What a caring friend you are! There are more than a couple of things going on here so I will address each separately. First, and foremost, it is wonderful that your friend is growing in her relationship with God. The fact that she is listening to God’s voice and wondering how to please Him cannot be celebrated enough! We need to keep reminding her that when the Holy Spirit convicts us of sin, it is only because we are loved. The One who created each of us knows how fragile our hearts, minds, souls and bodies are. His laws were given to protect us, not to spoil our fun. If we are ignoring Scripture then we are choosing to enter very risky territory with life-altering consequences. Encourage her to continue listening to His voice of love and conviction.
Next, let me address the issue of living together. Most of Hollywood and even some in the church have bought into the lie that people can and should be “tried on,” “taken for a spin,” “lived with” for a while before becoming life partners. While this may sound logical, God created us to bond with each other way too easily for this to work. There are much better ways to find out if a potential partner is a “bad egg” than opening up our complete sexual, financial and emotional selves to them. Sadly, over the years this “living together” mentality has created a heartbreaking cycle that would almost be laughable if it wasn’t so very tragic. People are afraid to commit to one another in marriage because they have seen the pain of horrible marriages. However, one the contributors to horrible marriages has been the distrust fostered by having sex without marriage in the first place. If marriage and sexual intimacy are not held sacred before the vows, then they will most likely not be held sacred after. And so the pain is repeated, over and over and over. In trying to avoid the pain of a break-up, people are doing exactly what might be causing the break-up later! As her friend, you will need to help her see that Jesus is only trying to protect her when His Word tells her to flee fornication.
Now let me address the question of being able to be just as “committed” to a person without a “piece of paper.“ What has always puzzled me about this argument is this: If getting married is “just a piece of paper” then what’s the big deal about getting it? What are you afraid of? Just do it! If you hesitate, then, no, I don’t believe you are truly committed to the other person. My experience has taught me that an unwillingness to get “the piece of paper” is not so much about making a political or philosophical statement as it is about covering up a lack of commitment (you don’t really care that much but you enjoy the “perks” of living together) or hiding fear (you care too much and are willing to give out the “perks” rather than lose the relationship). Your friend is going to need lots of love and support as she wrestles with God concerning this area in her life. Is she sensing that this is NOT the person God has for her but is afraid of being alone? Is she already deeply attached to this person and afraid that God might call her to give him up? Does she believe he IS the partner God has for her but is afraid of failing at marriage? Is she banking on the fact that failing with a “boyfriend” won’t hurt as bad as failing with a “husband?” This does not even take into account the spiritual life of her boyfriend! That will need to be another column. J
Lastly, your friend is correct that scripture states that having sexual relationships with another person already makes you “one flesh” in God’s eyes. However, she is missing the context! This truth is given as an admonishment to people that they should BEWARE who they become “joined” with. Hearts, souls and minds become forever entwined along with our bodies. Exodus 22:16 and Deuteronomy 22:23 both address the situation by saying “get married already!” Being married proclaims to the world that you are not ashamed of being forever known as being united to this person you love. Isaiah 62:4 actually describes the promised land as being so blessed that it is as if it were “married!” True commitment is more important than a piece of paper, yes. But the willingness to get the paper is proof that the commitment is real.
The bottom line is that God loves us and is very patient with us, understanding our limitations and maturity level. With maturity, however, comes the knowledge, sooner or later, that living with someone sexually outside of marriage is not an option for anyone truly desiring to follow Jesus. Not only are they placing themselves in danger, but they are harming their partner, as well. A choice will need to be made, to marry or to be celibate. You will notice that I have not given any time to the issue of the sharing of the financial responsibility of buying a house together. Understandably, this makes the option of separating quite difficult. However, I will definitely make it a matter of prayer. If separation is what your friend ultimately decides upon, I know God will provide a way for this to take place.
Continue the good work of friendship, Blondie’s Brain! I’m in your corner, as well!
The Pastor’s Wife